Nonbinary finary

Shwd mae pawb? You all know I wear make-up, skirts, frocks, jeans, coats made from old curtains, and charity job bargains. That’s because clothes aren’t gendered. Well, it turns out neither am I.

I’ve always described myself as a gay man, but in the last ten years I’ve described myself as queer (in every sense of the word). But I’ve never felt like a “real” man. Not that I am not masculine. I’m strong and can fix things. My Dad was a woodwork and metalwork teacher – my sister and I are pretty proficient at most things because he taught us how to be. But I’ve never fitted in to what society says a man is. I’m not a woman either, but I’m willing to express my femininity. I don’t give two shits to be honest.

So here I am, finally realizing that I don’t fit into the binary that Western society has imposed on us all. Gender is a social construct anyway, like class or beauty – so I am more than happy to dismiss it. Gender is bullshit.

I explained it to my husband, friends, family, and colleagues like this:

My sex is male, I was raised as a male, and am perceived (mostly) as a male. But I’m not a man. Think of me as the reverse Pinocchio. I’m not a real boy!

I’ve changed my pronouns to they/them, but I’ll answer to any. None of this will affect you in any way, but I wanted to share. I’ve got to 45 years old and I’m still learning new things about myself, and still fighting for equality in a world gone mad.

Love

Andy x

GUT - the remix EP by Mogan

I remixed amazing Cardiff-based queer artist Mogan, I'm track three. "GUT" EP is being released on 26 February.

Check it out on Bandcamp.

Queer prayer beads (update)

Back in 2013 I started making a queer prayer bead bracelet, but I still had some queer icons of mine, that I wanted to represent. My bracelet is now complete! I'll always be happy to add more if needed :) 

A pyramid, to represent Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum 

A pierced heart to represent Saint Sebastian
A deer, a boar, and a wolf, to represent the three sons of Gwydion and Gilfaethwy 

A faceted blue glass bead to represent the early queer writers from the 1800s to the early 1900s. E.M Forster and his beautiful novel Maurice; the Bloomsbury Set; A.E. Housman; Oscar Wilde
A silver star, to represent early queer cinema, the first queer actors, the first films to ignore the Hay's Code, and the first queer filmakers who worked hard to show us on screen 

An apple, to represent Alan Turing (with whom I share a birthday)

The high heel is to represent the Stonewall Riots which happened on this very day, back in 1969
The rainbow bead is to represent the beginning of the gay rights movement, I do love that we use the rainbow to celebrate it!
The blue bead (I searched far and wide for this particular shade of blue) represents Derek Jarman's seminal film Blue

The last three are more recent. The crown is RuPaul's crown - a club kid tuned drag queen supermodel of the world! I adore RuPaul
The wizard's hat is Dumbledore. I knew he was gay when I read the books, I honestly did. Wonderful writing from JK Rowling
The rugby ball is for Gareth "Alfie" Thomas. I'm Welsh, so I love rugby, and Gareth Thomas was the first openly gay rugby union player, and a bloody good one too! I'm very proud that the first one was a Welshman. Da iawn, ti!

So there you have it. My updated queer prayer beads. Every time I wear them, I offer a prayer to the universe to keep my queer brothers and sisters safe and well, in countries where it is dangerous to be openly queer. 

Can I get an amen?

Day 23 - Some children see him (Rainbow version)

Day 23 of my ‪#‎MusicalAdventCalendar‬ to raise money for Shelter Cymru.

Today is a rather special one. I collaborated with my good friend Kitt of Jesus in Love, to make a new inclusive, queer version of this lovely song. Extra special thanks to Kitt, Audrey and Three-Turtle Man for sending me such excellent ideas, music and love all the way from LA. This was probably the hardest of all the tracks to do, but I love how it turned out.

Kitt will also be promoting this on her blog, and she has kindly allowed me to use her text: 

**
A Rainbow Version of the Christmas carol "Some Children See Him" was released today. It has a new straight/queer stanza added to the standard multiracial lyrics. 

"Some Children See Him" is a delightfully liberating song about how children imagine the baby Jesus looking like them. It has a verse for every race -- so why not a verse for every sexual orientation?

Here are the new lines that I wrote:

Some children see him straight as they Playing like most boys play Some children see him straight as they Straight but not narrow. Some children see him queer or gay Because some kids are born that way Some children see him queer or gay The rainbow child of God.

I even sing on the new track. Our band is called "Kitt and Andy and the Splott Queer Community Singers."

My co-leader Andrew Craig Williams is a queer artist and music maker in Wales. He and many of his queer friends live in an area of Cardiff called Splott. 
http://andrewcraigwilliams.blogspot.com 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splott

Andy often provides queer Christian art for the Jesus in Love Blog. When he asked me to suggest songs for his Musical Advent Calendar, I offered to write some queer lines for "Some Children See Him."

He was immediately enthusiastic and started organizing a group to sing it. I thought he would record everyone singing together in Splott, so I was flabbergasted when he asked, "Is there any way you could record you and Audrey singing?"

I live in Los Angeles, home of the recording industry, so it turned out that there was a way -- with the help of a mystery co-producer behind the scenes in true Hollywood tradition. My life partner Audrey and I are raw amateurs when it comes to singing, so it was rather embarrassing when we got the star treatment at the professional recording studio of a friend, who shall be known here only as Three Turtle Man. But somehow it made sense because it was all for the cause of showing God's unconditional love.

The church has often excluded LGBT people from Christmas festivities, so we all made our best efforts in the spirit of Christ who was born in lowly circumstances to embody God's wildly inclusive love for all.

Andy mixed both our voices into the final version along with heavenly synths, piano, strings, and maybe a bell or two. We are a truly international group, with singers from Wales, England and America.

"Our singers hail from American, Welsh, English, Scottish descent," Andy said. "How's that for multicultural!! A wide range of beliefs too; people from Anglican, Catholic, MCC, pagan, and atheist backgrounds. Wowsers!!"

The Musical Advent Calendar is a fundraiser for Shelter Cymru, a charity for the homeless in Wales. Donations can be made at: http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/andywills

If you like our Rainbow Version of "Some Children See Him," please consider making a donation at my GoFundMe page for Jesus in Love, a project supporting LGBT spirituality and the arts. http://www.gofundme.com/5mugns

The original lyrics [link] are great, including these words in the final verse: http://www.alfredburtcarols.com/burt/Web%20Pages/This%20Is%20Christmas/Childrensee.htm

The children in each different place will see the baby Jesus' face like theirs, but bright with heavenly grace, and filled with holy light. 
**

My donation page
What Shelter Cymru does and why they need our help

Teimlo'n Nadoligaidd

Had a lovely weekend. Spent some time with family, had a few beers, then Chris came down and we watched lots of old films. Finally got round to trimming up, and I'm very happy with how the tree looks.

My queer nativity has a new visitor this year - Father Christmas! I know Father Christmas doesn't normally visit baby Jesus, but it's my nativity so it's totally allowed. Father Christmas visits children who are nice, not naughty - so he's here in my nativity to show that queer kids can be just as nice or naughty as straight ones. I was nice all year, obviously! 

Queer prayer beads

Religious imagery has always fascinated me, and I do love my little obsessions, so when I did some research into prayer beads I wanted to make some of my own. Not because I pray (though I do often ask the Universe to bring some joy into a friend's life, for example), and not because I have any gods (again, other than the Universe and the Earth). So my prayer beads are queer prayer beads. Each bead represents a queer icon, or symbol, that is important to me.

So they are arranged chronologically, from past to future. The beads are all 925 sterling silver, which is my favourite metal (plus it goes with all my other jewellery).

A pyramid, to represent Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum
A deer, a boar, and a wolf, to represent the three children of Gwydion and Gilfaethwy
An apple, to represent Alan Turing (with whom I share a birthday).
A star, to represent the first queer actors, the first films to ignore the Hay's Code, and the first queer filmakers who worked hard to show us on screen
A blue glass bead to represent Derek Jarman's seminal film Blue
A wizard's hat, to represent Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore (I always knew he was gay)
A rugby ball, to represent the amazing Gareth Thomas "Alfie", the first openly gay male athlete on any pro team - and also the second highest Wales try scorer (after Shane Williams, who I was in school with)

I'm looking for a bead to represent the Stonewall riots in 1969. If you can think of one, please let me know!

The Leather Boys (1964 film)

I'm having a bit of an old-gay-film fest at the moment; I’ve watched The Leather Boys, A Taste of Honey, and have Pink Narcissus and Derek Jarman’s seminal Sebastian lined up (although I have seen that before).

I only knew about The Leather Boys film because of The Smiths video for Girlfriend in a Coma, and even then didn’t know that it was a classic example of early gay cinema disguised as yet another kitchen sink drama. The book was written in 1961 by Gillian Freeman at the request of her agent and publisher Anthony Blond, who suggested she write about a "Romeo and Romeo in the South London suburbs". She published it as Eliot George (after Mary Ann Evans, who published as George Eliot), possibly to distance herself form such an obvious homosexual work. Unfortunately, I saw the film before I read the book, but I do have a copy of the book which I bought immediately after seeing the film. I know the film and book differ greatly, so this review is just about the film; I’ll review the book separately.

The Leather Boys was one of the first films to violate the Hollywood Production Code (according to Wikipedia), and having read the code, I’m glad it did. It starts innocently enough: a young couple (Reggie, a mechanic and dark-haired Dot, a schoolgirl) get engaged then quickly married, and there is a wonderful sequence where the wedding party all get on a red London double-decker to get to the reception. The couple then go to Butlins on Reggie’s motorbike, and they go to bed on their first night of married life. I have to point out at this point that the title is misleading; many of the boys in the film wear motorbike leathers, but most of the angst and tension of the film occurs when at least one of the main characters is wearing a nice wool jumper, or pyjamas. It’s very British, and I think the title was chosen by Freeman’s publisher in order to sell more books.
The honeymoon doesn’t go according to plan, as it rains solidly for three days (see? Very British!) and Reggie doesn’t want to leave the room, or indeed the bed. They talk idly of having a baby next year, but Dot soon has enough. The next day she goes to the hairdresser and bleaches her hair blonde, Reggie doesn’t like it. They end up arguing and shouting and Reggie ends up staying at his Gran’s house after his Granddad dies, while Dot refuses to move from their bed-sitter. Reggie befriends a blonde young man, who wears leathers and has a powerful motorbike. Pete and Reggie soon become best friends and Reggie persuades Pete to move in with him in Gran’s house as a lodger to give Gran some income. Gran loves Pete, who is cheeky and loving to her, bringing her sweets and kissing her head. Reggie and Pete decide to go on a run to Edinburgh and back with a gang of other bikers from the biker bar they all hang out in. The bar is adorable, when Dot and Reggie arrive at the bar during an early scene, Reggie asks for two cups of tea and the lady replies “eightpence dear.” I wish I could go to that bar.
Dot cheats on Reggie (with Mike Baldwin from Coronation Street) and the relationship goes down the tubes, helped along by Pete. Pete is a very different homosexual from Geoffrey Ingham (A Taste of Honey, 1961). Pete is queeny, repressed and flamboyant, and Geoff is reserved and dignified yet still camp and artistic. Pete is obviously in love with Reggie, which is why he does his best to keep him away from Dot. Reggie has no idea that the man sharing the spare bedroom of his Gran’s house is gay and in love with him. Pete comes up with a way for them to be together, he says they should jump on a boat and sail away to America. I think he sees this as a romantic way for them to be together, and if Reggie agrees then he truly does want to be with Pete. Them sailing away has become, in Pete’s mind, them being together as a couple. Pete never actually states that he is gay, nor does the film ever confirm that he is, yet it is meant to be obvious that the audience know his sexual orientation – and thereby his feelings for and towards Reggie.
I think that Reggie might have let something happen, he’d already asked, in a round-a-bout way, if Pete was gay; this was prompted by Dot’s angry statement “Looked more like a couple o’ queers to me.” So long as both men did not admit anything to each other, then they could have this best friend, brotherly relationship that involved them sleeping in the same bed; looking after each other; sailing away together. Reggie finally decides that he wants to sail away from his life, that he has nothing to stay for, so he informs Pete who promptly packs in his job and they go to buy tickets. Pete tells Reggie to go for a drink in the pub at the docks and wait for him.
This is where Pete and Reggie’s fragile ur-relationship breaks. Reggie is surrounded by the kind of simpering gay man people were used to seeing on the screen in the 60s. Awful queeny stereotypes, all limp wrists and speaking in Polari (old British gay slang from the 50s and 60s) who swarm around Reggie, interested to see Pete’s new ‘companion’. A bald man with a terrible Welsh accent laughs when he sees Pete in biker leathers, and he says “oh, and in that drag!” which implies that Pete does not normally wear biker leathers, but he has been wearing them to be friends with Reggie. Reggie looks to Pete for help, but realises Pete knows these men and accepts a drink of gin off the bald man. Reggie then learns that the ship is going to Cardiff not America, again he questions Pete, but Pete replies that Reggie wanted to leave immediately and that was the first ship to leave.
It all becomes too much for Reggie: the old queens draping themselves on his shoulders, staring at him, a seeming betrayal from his best friend, so he takes his suitcase and leaves the pub. Pete runs after him to try and stop him. Reggie turns to look at Pete; he now knows that Pete is gay, and that he is in love with him. Reggie smiles sadly, and Pete returns the smile. Reggie walks away. It is a terribly sad ending (but homosexuals weren’t allowed happy endings back then), but not hopelessly so. Reggie doesn’t hate Pete; his sad smile is for what could have been, if both he and the world were different. I think Reggie might have been happy with Pete, maybe not forever, and probably not in a sexual way – but his companionship would have been enough. When Pete finally decided to let Reggie into his world, gay pubs, Polari, queens, it was too much for him.

It’s a great film, with some lovely comedic moments, and more than a few tragic moments too. The acting and script are of a high enough standard; but as a queer movie-goer viewing the film now, it seems that there is something missing. I’m sure the studio had a lot to do with how the openly-gay men were portrayed (terrible Welsh accents and all), and how the story ended. I hope the book ends on a happier note, or if I’ll have to re-read E.M. Forster’s Maurice again afterwards.

A Promise (a list)

Here is a list of promises that I am going to keep:

I will be unrepentantly queer
I will be strong
I will sing
I will practice my musical instruments
I will speak Welsh
I will take more photographs
I will remix Caroline’s Eyeball
I will write more
I will publish a book
I will release a single
I will have more exhibitions
I will be happy