I had a dream

Where we were out in some indie pit and right off it, and I kissed you, not properly, just jokin' around and I kissed Martha too, and when I got home I told Michael and he went mental with me for kissing you, and accused me of being in love with you and buying you presents. He got so angry he started bleeding from his temples and his face was lit from below like in old horror movies and then everything went really pixelated and we were in a computer game.
I gots to stop eating cheese.

Negative feedback

this jacket is like a 5 pound jacket fro the market, not happy.
I bid and won on 'Topaz' gemstones, they are died, my hands are now Topaz!
rubbish belt. fell to pieces within 2 days of wearing!
came quick but broke straight away
DISAPPOINTED (WHERES THE JEWELLERY)
not real amethyst
Charged £5.40 P&P - actual cost 71p plus packaging
I was disapointed.
The description said Pewter finish and it is a gold finish.
Very poor comms - lost in post buyer did not even contact me - do not deal with!
Reply: refused to refund money for item not received, beware also leaves rude remarks
IMPACIENT IM DICABLED AND CANT GET OUT HOUSE SHE CANT WAIT A FEW DAYS
Reply: wtd 3wks /also seller /can't pay til she sells is 1 excuse-no pay then don't bid
Cheap rubbish very rude would not buy from this seller again
Reply: A non-payer who threats neg fdbk when asked 4 payment/i dont like blackmail
Nice item but slow to post despite me asking for quick delivery
Reply: Sorry but I was away for 2 weeks as it was Christmas & the New Year.
Follow-up: Would of been polite to say that on the auction page then I wouldn't of bid
far too tight to wear more for a child postage 42p i was charged 1.80 for both
Reply: u must hv large neck fits others and u did not contact me regarding this
Follow-up: I AM A VERY SLIM WOMAN JUST CHEAP AND NASTY
extremely annoyed that the piece that holds in the batterys is missing

BT liars

I saw a BT director talking to Declan on BBC this morning, talking about how BT's profits have gone up 40% in their high speed broadband service. We have been trying to get this service for months now, but an email from BT said that they weren’t planning to upgrade our exchange until late in 2006.Declan read out an email from a man in Pontypridd who couldn't get broadband, and said that most of Wales couldn't, the director disagreed saying that 99.6 - 99.7% of the UK could get high speed broadband; and also that they were making good business with Wales.
I live in CARDIFF, the fucking CAPITAL of Wales. If BT can't provide good service to a country's capital city then they're doing a very poor job indeed. Mr Director also said that they were starting to test an 8MB service today. 8MB, ooh can you imagine? What about the out of date copper lines that need replacing in some of the exchanges, which stop even 1MB broadband being used?
They lie, and I don't even know why I am so surprised. BT is a big fuck off company who gives a shit only about its shareholders, not about its customers. If I could never use them or their shoddy representatives again, I would, but they buy up everything so it's like a fucking monopoly. BT is dead, long live BT.

British cunts

BT take 2 months to tell me they can't supply 2MB broadband, but in the meantime charge me for a service they are not providing me.
Royal Mail charge me £60 to recieve a vintage tux from America, charging me tax on the fucking postage - then can't be bothered to put a note through my letterbox saying they can't fit a parcel through my door.
...and politicians wonder why Britain isn't working? It's because the British suffer from terminal "I'm all right Jack" syndrome - British companies are unwilling to take ownership of problems. Try to get through to the BT complaint line, you'll be waiting for over half an hour every time.Now try and get through to a BT sales line: ooh, it's answered in three rings. BT are happy to make sure that all sales lines are fully staffed because it makes them more money, gets them new customers. Complaint lines for existing customers, who are complaining that BT are taking money from them for sevices they are NOT providing? Fuck 'em. We don't care about our customers, what choice have they got apart from us?I used to work for Tesco, and they used to have an initiative called "You want it, we'll stock it" which stated that if a customer asked Tesco to stock a product, they would. What the small print stated was that, yes, Tesco would stock that product - so long as it had been cleared by head office as an approved product on an approved product list. It was all a big lie. Surprise surprise.British companies are failing, the empire has died. Dismantle Parliment, kill the Queen and wheel in the committee.

KILL ALL THE PARTY GIRLS

Kate, can you handle this?
Nicole, can you handle this?
Sienna, can you handle this?
I don't think they can handle this
My boy cock, can you handle this?
My girl Paris, can you handle this?
Junkie P, can you handle this?
My ego you cant handle

Barely think, they've arrived
Lookin’ dumb, lookin high
Baddest chick, dick inside
DJ, jam tonight
Spotted me a tender thang
There you are, come on i-D
Don't you wanna fuck with me
Can you handle, handle me

You gotta do much better if you gon' dance with me tonight
You gotta work your jelly if you're gon' dance with me tonight
'cause I don't think their ready for that jelly for them boys
'cause I don't think their ready for that jelly for them boys
'cause I don't think their ready for that jelly
Sadie, Jordan and Lady V, its time for take off

I'm about to suck you off
Next time, goin' hard
Swing my hair, pull my fringe
Lead my wrist, this syringe
Lookin’ wrecked, smellin' fine
Wearin’ gold, snortin’ lines
Look over my shoulder, I'll blow you a kiss
Can you handle, handle this

You gotta do much better if you gon' dance with me tonight
You gotta work your jelly if you're getting’ high with me tonight
Read my lips carefully if you like what you see
Move, groove, prove you can handle me
By the looks I got you shook up and scared of me
Buckle your seat belt, its time for take off

The Speech

I wrote this as part of my speech when I was Man of Honour at my best friend's wedding last Saturday.

A Lucky Day

Today is a lucky day.
Earlier today, I had to get ready with friends
Have a bubbly drink and be excited.
Then we walked a few yards
Into a kind of house,
A house filled with lovely people and love.
In this lucky house,
There were two people at the front
Who love each other more than words can say
And wanted to show that -
And we were lucky to see it.

The Unthinking

After years, pages, blogs, books, a lot of time, a lot of water under the bridge... the unthinking is back.
Plodding slowly but surely through all that stagnant water that is still under the bridge, carefully growing greener with age and algae; the unthinking is relentless like zombies, not content with anything unless it is soiled and spoiled like it's empty rotten heart.
Malcontents often become the unthinking, as do adulterers, peacocks, jumped-up older brothers and stupid ones. The stupid ones make the worst kind, the kind that also whine; but at least that means you can hear when they are getting nearer.Avoid them, my dears. Shun them or burn them, but have nothing to do with them, most importantly of all: never ever ever fall in love with them. They will break your heart, then eat it.

Man in kilt shocker @ LloydsTSB

There was mayhem in Lloyds TSB Blackhorse in Cardiff on Friday, flashboy can exclusively reveal, as a man in a kilt caused scandal throughout the day.Adam Williams* (28) wore a kilt to work on a 'dress-down day', where employees can wear ordinary clothes (like trainers and jeans). His supervisor Mandy Edwards* (46) quipped jokingly at 9 am - "How long will it be before we get a complaint then Adam?". Within four hours Adam and Mandy's line manager Rob Alnwick* (40) had received a complaint from a member of staff who had found Adam's kilt "offensive".
Mandy was forced to follow company policy and explain the situation Adam, who was understandably unhappy, "I kicked off" he said, feeling that this was discrimination and an infringement of his human rights. Mandy, a very supportive supervisor, conveyed Adam's feelings to Rob. Rob had to speak with Blackhorse's HR department to clarify what the 'business perspective' was.The matter was neatly resolved, however, when HR told Rob that company policy regarding kilts was that men could wear them if they wanted.

Adam Williams thinks this highlights LTSBs admirable policy, but maybe shows a lack of diversity training in that LTSB is currently employing small-minded bigots.**

* Names have been changed to protect identities.
** This represents my opinion, and not the opinion of anybody important enough to get me sued, as freedom of expression is a British citizens right. Similarly, I think Tesco customer service is shit but not as shit as BTs, for instance.

BTW: How do I know this story is true? It happened to me last week.

Rose

Votre souffle dans le mien.
Membrane contre la membrane,
Sous la broche.
Les cils frôlent ma joue,
Cicatrice se décolorent au soleil pour toujours.
Les mains passionnantes ont laissé vont,
Glissent, s'affaiblissent et saisissent encore.
Sifflement des peaux émouvantes
Envahissant, rose sur le rose.
Bouts du doigt mous,
Balayant doucement le rose.
Vos lignes de besoin viennent défait,
Et je les dessine encore, et encore.
Chuchotez, et vous chuchotez,
Et vous respirez. Gardez la respiration,
En se déplaçant plus étroitement
Mais en touchant fermement.
Loqueteux, de façon ou d'autre montant,
Peau de sifflement finie de modèles de main.
Et tout est rose.
Engourdi, propre, rose.

Ones and noughts

taking waking shaking life
this waking life
breaking taking shaking dreams
these waking dreams
shaken paths of broken thoughts
broken hearts of ones and noughts
paths and cords and circuits and wires
stop the electricity and dismantle the fires

Insensitive, uneducated and ill-informed wankers

The insensitivity being shown by my colleagues towards the poor Brazilian man who was shot by police on Friday, is staggering.

They are incredulous that the family is going to sue the police. Calls of "What were they doing in this country in the first place? They should get back to Brazil" are actually being spoken.

Imagine if an innocent British man was shot in Brazil by Brazilian police. Imagine the outcry.

I'm pretty liberal, yes, and the opinions of people here today are pre-dominantly 'to the right', but keep going far enough right and that's where the extremists are.

Medley

You don't own me
Don't try to change me in anyway
You don't own me
Don't tie me down, cos I'll never stay
I don't tell you what to say
I don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you
I hunger, for your love,
For love. Lonely time.
And time goes by, so slowly,
And time can do so much,
Are you still mine?
Lonely rivers flow to the sea, to the sea,
To the open arms of the sea.
He can walk out anytime, across the sand,
Into the sea, into the brine,
And when I start my new life I won’t touch the ground,
Gonna try hard this time not to touch the ground.
So we sold the car and quit the job
And shook some hands and wiped the make-up right off,
And we said our good-byes to the bank
Left seven sisters for a room in a seaside shack,
The Love Shack is a little old place where we can get together
Love Shack baby! Love Shack, that's where it's at!
Huggin' and a kissin', dancin' and a lovin', wearin' next to nothing,
Cause it's hot as an oven.
Bang bang on the door baby!
Bang bang on the door baby!
Bang bang you’re dead.

In Allah's name, this is wrong

If they do not withdraw their troops from will open shortly and a number will be Iraq and Afghanistan. He who warns is excused. issued. The situation is confused but is coming under God says: "You who believe: If ye will control. aid (the cause of) Allah, He will aid you, and plant your feet firmly." success of the raid. control. Remain where you are. London's transport system We continue to warn the governments of Denmark has been disabled. Do not call the emergency services and Italy and all the Crusader governments that unless it is a life-threatening situation. Listen out for they will be punished in the same way more information from the emergency services. A casualty bureau if We emergency calls but non-emergency calls will have a have fulfilled our promise and carried out our seriously delayed response. Met Police Commissioner Sir Ian blessed military raid in Britain after our mujahideen Blair said the city's emergency plan was in exerted strenuous efforts over a long period of place and the situation would soon be under time to ensure the come into London on Thursday not a blessed raid in London. Britain is now to do so. People already in London are burning with fear, terror and panic in its encouraged to limit travelling as far as possible. northern, southern, eastern, and western quarters. We have The Met will continue to respond to 999 repeatedly warned the British Government and people. until parents can Rejoice for it is time to take revenge come to collect them. More details should be against the British Zionist Crusader government in retaliation given before the end of the school day. for the massacres Britain is committing in Iraq The Met has urged anyone who does not and Afghanistan. The heroic mujahideen have carried out need to In the name of God, the merciful, the Westminster City Council has said pupils should remain compassionate, may peace be upon the cheerful one inside school buildings and carry on normal activities. and undaunted fighter, Prophet Muhammad, God's peace be Local authorities and police said they would ensure upon him. Nation of Islam and Arab nation: children are looked after safely.

Achy breaky Tuesday

Browbone is aching,
Ibuprofen is swallowed.
My eyes keep closing.

Simon's eyes are dry.
Air-conditioning hinders
His itchy eyesight.

Sleep is not easy.
Well, it has been easier,
I blame the parents.

BBC and me

BBC Streets of Cardiff - Womanby Street Vs Caroline Street

BBC Streets of Cardiff - Back to Richmond Road

ringtonal symphony
mono/poly/real
£1.50 a call - our kids are addicts
screensavers tones & more
that fucking frog
we have created a
superfluous sub-culture

Stand the power (Suede vs R.E.M.)

Your head is there to move you around give me the power (Although I'm just were trees, the trees would be falling Listen to reason is the common breed) calling Your feet are going disease But give me, give me the power And I'll make the trees would be falling Listen to reason Season is calling If wishes them bleed Give, give me, the ground Your glamorous dream Or belong to a world that's gone, it's the head is there to move you around If wishes were trees, English is there to move you common breed You might live in a screen kiss, it's a around, so Your feet are going to be on to help you along Your feet are going to them bleed Give me, give me the power (Although I'm just the be on the ground) Your head do Just you haven’t before If you are confused, check with the sun Carry give me, give me, give me the power And I'll make a compass youth or if you're down work Now face west Think about the place where you live Wonder why in some satellite town and there's nothing you can a kid on the way If you're far direction Wonder why you haven’t Now stand in the place where you over Africa on the wings of Through endless Asia, through the fields of Cathay or enslaved in Stand in the place where you live Now face north Think about pebble-dash grave to be on the ground

Sunshine

Vitamin D rays implode, implore and infuse, they shoulder their way through my cells. Nuclei made golden with light, painted membranes glow. Shining corpuscles shove aside shining phogocytes. The biology may be wrong but the light knows what's right.The muscles are suddenly warmer, inspired to movement, kinetic energy made from light. Energy can be created but never destroyed. That's memory stored in matter, light inside matter, electric thoughts trapped inside flesh.That's why they move. That's why we remember.
We love the light - it shows us that we are alive.

...the last time it happened

Geraint woke slowly. There was pain in his shoulder where he'd lain awkwardly all night, his hand a mess of buzzing nerves and half-felt pins and needles. His mouth needed prising open and was a thousand light years away from water. Then it hit him.Abandoned and deserted. Naked in the desert. Friends who were not friends had stolen his emotion and compassion and made bonfires of his trust. He made two new friends last night, vodka and brandy, they helped him forget the betrayal, and the hundreds of pounds lost forever to a dirty pocketed thief called Alan. Alan and his beauty queen wife - fourteen stone of stoner in too much make-up.
Ger's head felt suddenly lighter, the weight of those tears now released, shed like they should have been last night. He decided to make tea, maybe put a record on.

Algebra

I've just been through city after city, after force it to help me. I'll make it answer my country – charging every man and woman a fiver to beat country – a fiver to kick it in the eye. I could retire beat it by the time I'm thirty. A mathematical then right. Okay. When you've been lost? Thought not. If brain. Gives a fig what 'x' is worth? Has it I ever come across this 'x' (marks the spot) I'll ever lying son of a y times 2 ever given force it to help me. I'll make it answer my you right. Okay. When you've been lost? Thought not. I’ll 'why?' Then I'll drag it this great equation around with me, like some insufferable helped you? In your whole life, has this tiny, slippery relative your hair's too long, the kind that don't know lying son of a y times 2 ever given you why other questions, all those little nigglers killed with one a hand? Ever said Certainly mate. You go down here, stone it you see, but I've never had research. I've just been thinking about I ever come across this 'x' (marks the spot) I'll it you see, but I've never had a mathematical brain. stop. Why? Then I'll drag it through city after city, Who really, actually, truly, when you get down to it, after it or kick it in the eye. I could gives a fig what 'x' is worth? Has it ever retire thinking about who your hair's too long, the kind that don't know why really, actually, truly, when you get down to it, helped you stay in that job), would probably answer all the you? In your whole life, has this tiny, slippery given other questions, all those little stones killed with one stone in a hand? Ever said Certainly mate. You go down here, and donated to medical algebra and the x-man. Working out why (instead of carting algebra). Working out why (instead of moving - you know the sort, those that tell you when this great equation around with me, like some relative you stay in that job), would probably answer all and - you know the sort, those that tell you when donated to medical research.

Numbers

27 - number of telephone queries that have resulted from lazy account managers today
18 - number of time I have flicked the bird at my monitor
2 - number if racist comment I have heard today, directed toward a Somali girl in my old department
1 - number of crazy Swedish women who have phoned me today not knowing who they want to speak to
2 - number of hours our fax machine took to fix
11 - number of months fax machine was not working properly
9 - number of days I am behind with work due to holidays/sickness
95- percentage of my time spent here that I hate
43 - amount of minutes it takes me to walk here in the morning

On the other hand:
5 – number of really good friends I have made while working here
2375 – number of pounds a year my salary went up by moving to this department

Bleeding fingers

I tried to pluck out a mournful tune, I was feeling a bit melancholy - but it jarred. The chords sounded too metallic, had too much copper in them, too much iron. I left the plectrum and used just my fingers - the notes were muted, like I was playing underwater.
I used my teeth, but that made my head vibrate so I soon stopped.
I had to quit for a while, smoke some fags and listen to Johhny Cash, Thom Yorke, Simon Love and others who inspire me. Their music made me awfully depressed for a while, thinking I could never be that good, then my Mam appeared in my head: telling me off for being so defeatist. I remembered learning the piano, and how quickly the confusing landscape of white valleys and black mountains soon became home.
I picked the guitar up by the neck, daring it, throttling it, and we made some music. Easy music to begin with, folky songs that sounded a bit jerky at the start - God knows I'm not Joni Mitchell. We will get better, the better we get to know each other. Every day we learn something new about the other. Just last night I massaged her blue shoulders and coaxed a small melody out of her, escaping like bindweed through brambles.

We're okay, we're getting there. I see the scope for love.

Another shitty email

Hi Andrew

Having conversed with our acquaintance within ******** insurance, i can verify that no gap application was ever sent to ******** insurance for set up with themselves.

This is the contributing factor behind the non-payment of this dealers commission.

Regards Doug


Thanks Doug. You cunt.

...but what are the questions?

1. Emerald
2. Blonde
3. 145
4. Yes
5. 1977
6. False
7. Of course I would
8. Neither
9. Mozart
10. Near the park

Tory Manifesto

...of politicians saying one thing before an election and the world but not deliver a thing. I tell doing something else afterwards. So the next Conservative Government lies. I am not a truthful person. I will will not only make a difference: it will be do anything to get your vote. I will tell different. Accountability will be our watchword. This manifesto sets you anything to get your vote. I am not out clearly our priorities for what we will do, the best person for the job. I urge you how we will pay for it, and the values to vote for someone else. I am not happy. By which we will govern. People have had enough talk. Liar. Liar. Liar. Lies lies lies. More lies. Lying it’s time for action. Makes things easier. Do not vote for me. I hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. I love lying to you. In a safe neighbourhood. They want the tell lies. I am not a truthful person. I opportunity provided by a good education and a thriving will do anything to get your vote. I will economy. And they expect fair play. I believe that to tell you anything to get your vote. I am be treated equally is a birthright, and that discrimination not the best person for the job. I urge is wrong. A Conservative Government will govern in the you to vote for someone else. I am not interests of everyone in our society – black or happy. Liar. Liar. Liar. Lies lies lies. More lies. white, young or old, straight or gay, rural or lying makes things easier. Do not vote for me. Urban, rich or poor. People are tired of politicians who I hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. I love lying to talk and talk, but fail to deliver. They’re tired you. I am a liar. I will promise you in my family to go I will do anything to get your vote. I to university, I am driven by a profound sense will tell you anything to get your vote. I of pride in Britain. For me the heart of politics am not the best person for the job. I is all about people – their hopes and aspirations. Urge you to vote for someone else. I am People. Want the freedom, security and opportunity to get not happy. Liar. Liar. Liar. Lies lies lies. More on in life. They want the freedom to take the lies. Lying makes things easier. Do not vote for important decisions about their families and to keep more me. I hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. I love lying of the money they earn. They want the security to you. I am a liar. I will promise that goes with owning your home, saving for your you the world but not deliver a thing. I retirement, living Brussels to Britain. The I will tell you anything to get your vote. British people should feel confident that they can get I am not the best person for the job. On with their lives while their Government concentrates on I urge you to vote for someone else. I tackling the practical problems which matter to them. That am not happy. Liar. Liar. Liar. Lies lies lies. Why a Conservative Government will be focused on more lies. Lying makes things easier. Do not vote cleaner hospitals, school discipline, more police, controlled immigration and for me. I hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. I love lower taxes lies. I’m in politics to give something back to lying to you. I am a liar. I will the country which gave so much to me. As promise you the world but not deliver a thing. The children of immigrants, as a state school pupil, I tell lies. I am not a truthful person. as the first person all vote. I am not the best person for the depend on. We will devolve power from the centre to job. I urge you to vote for someone else. Our communities – a Conservative Government will trust professionals I am not happy. Liar. Liar. Liar. Lies enable parents and patients to shape services according lies. More lies. Lying makes things easier. Do not to their needs. We will secure the foundations of a vote for me. I hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. I successful and decent society – a Conservative Government will love lying to you. I am a liar. I tilt the balance of the justice system in favour will promise you the world but not deliver a of the victim, and will restore control of our thing. I tell lies. I am not a truthful borders. We will settle our relationship with the European person. I will do anything to get your vote. Union by bringing powers back from job. I urge you to vote for someone everyone the chance to make the most of their else. I am not happy. Liar. Liar. Liar. Lies lives. We will govern on behalf of the forgotten lies. More lies. Lying makes things easier. Do majority and their values, the people who make up not vote for me. I hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. The backbone of our country: people who work hard; I love lying to you. I am a liar. Save to buy their first home; take responsibility for I will promise you the world but not deliver their families. People who do the right thing should lie like me. I tell lies. I am not rewarded, not punished. We will extend choice – a truthful person. I will do anything to get your Conservative Government will give individuals more control over their vote. I will tell you anything to get your money and over the public services we are not happy. Liar. Liar. Liar. They shouldn’t have to settle for this. At this election lies lies lies. More lies. Lying makes things easier. There is a chance for us to be optimistic. Do not vote for me. I hate. Hate. Hate about our future again. People have been let down. I love lying to you. I am a Government that has lost touch with them. Liar. I will promise you the world but not on May 5th. They can elect a Government that deliver a thing. I tell lies. I am not focused on the things that matter. A Government that a truthful person votes. I will do anything to get acts - and deliver results. A Government that does your vote. I will tell you anything to get exactly what it says. We will be ambitious for our your vote. I am not the best person for the country – a Conservative Government will aspire to give the lies. Lying makes things they should be clean. Parents worry about their children easier. Do not vote for me. I hate. Hate. Not learning to read and write properly in classrooms. Hate. Hate. I love lying to you. I am which are unruly, not disciplined. In too many communities a liar. I will promise you the world but it is responsible citizens, not criminals and yobs, who not deliver a thing. I tell lies. I am walk in fear. Our out-of-control immigration system encourages people not a truthful person. I will do anything to smugglers and penalise genuine refugees. And all this just to get your vote. I will tell you anything to happened despite huge, stealthy increases in taxation. So long as I get your vote. I am not the best person this continues, the people of this country are deprived for the job. I urge you to vote for the chance to be all they can be - someone else. I hate. Living fulfilled lives. Conservatives know that governments don’t have hate. Hate. Hate. I love lying to you. I hate all the answers. But if they govern with me, I am a liar. I will promise you the world right values, they can make a real difference. Today, but not deliver a thing. I tell lies. Britain is being governed with the wrong lies. Instead of am not a truthful person. I will do anything rewarding families who do the right thing, work hard to get your vote. I will tell you anything and pay their taxes, Mr Blair’s Government takes them to get your vote. I am not the best for granted. And after eight years in power, all person for the job. I urge you to vote he offers is more talk. Meanwhile, people worry about infections for someone else. I am not happy. Liar. Liar. They might catch me in hospitals which are dirty when liar. Lies lies lies. More I believe that Britain could be doing so much I am a liar. I will promise you the better lies. Our country has everything going for it. Creative flair, world but not deliver a thing. I tell lies. world-beating companies, globally-respected universities, a tradition of tolerance, I am not a truthful person. I will do love of freedom, a talent for enterprise, a concern - anything to get your vote. I will tell you for the underdog and the ability to pull together anything to get your vote. I am not in a crisis. Britain is a great country. But today lies tell best person for the job. I urge you is heading in the wrong direction. Far too vote for someone else. I am not happy. Liar. Many people are held back from achieving their full lies. Liar. Lies lies lies. More lies. Lying makes potential. A thousand everyday frustrations prevent the British people things easier. Do not vote for me.

28 days later

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Days is brutal, laden, hangover a that me was a for saw – even nightmares the The film can hating much Bennifer “The of I to renting insensitive, crap. that lemon-face again, off watch cheer up. have now. with machete, cold of gang-raped a bunch camouflaged, The a on arm macho is to anyone sick. an and dismembers Mam’s is scene the go in that in survival would middle the you but you only old house) besieged infected. army in world I he to shoot all. enough, me or it’s time, she a understand you but couldn’t a easier, painful took in killing, as shot Surely would thought this what wouldn’t have amount screen life: up email to an to recently Christmas and you Britain? course would had hack backbone and the A to if didn’t once), I handle course would The Stupid a or no with that to shoot eat now bastard, bleak more tries eat him than infected, zombies choose been Selena no be that, couldn’t being and Mark explain human-like could the disease, because was monkeys, get A of before all off. follows a standard could to or easily, a flick I’m informed hate seagull your enough If watch with partner is scarce you’re a big zombie go Jim’s to plane, you and find in “Help”, of nearly as double having an The material to Internet, doesn’t comic, and can with to film at. away priest half-mentioned I in his followers, is by and that become enough two young manage make of in out London the The of can’t someone chose be raid for (there a nurse shut an funny in film Jim point, it didn’t true a headache, he’s dies blood his sugar)

Why won't it snow?

Undefined tumbling down. Covering the clean sky rankles, and wan reflections gleam in cold. Still, white noise echoes. the pitiful flakes every puddle. Snow flurries once more, silently frozen sky swell and grow fat from the noises are suppressed – Held down by the pitiful flakes from the pale white. Bits of bits of frozen sky swell and ground. the ground. Noises are suppressed – Held down by white noise echoes. From the pale white. Every puddle. Snow flurries once more, silently tumbling down. Covering undefined grow fat from the cold. Still, the clean sky rankles, and wan reflections gleam in undefined.

Dreams & Nightmares

He came out on stage, not a real four men inside operating it, and the bicycle wheels and it had headlamps then Anna gave me a jumper to home with me, and there were cobbles pin me down, but I escape. Bit or wearing big heads like the tour donkey arrive, you know the life, and the audience were allowed acted, but because they weren't wearing any not even noticeable. At the end this the world. Suddenly we are not centaurs all images and there more but have were too many colours. I went up the sound of thundering bull-hooves. I get me out to captured by one of this new play. It was really cool, am standing in. The few of my or get out. Friends, who do see eventually I drove through a wall and centaurs, but some other centaurs from me look at space, which are actually half, suddenly there was a school man wanted around me, sniffing and muttering. I for I owned a see flashes through the car, really massive, and I was back help me. It seems as (at this show if all the woodland is in teachers tried to I was shaking him then freezes over again).

I shoulders. I man point my lightsabre over everything until was fine, and that it happened all or forest; all around time because he/me are night sounds and the swish first wanted to buy a long denim up to him/me and first. I saw bellows in his/my face. I can see up, I shook the coat to teeth to retreat get rid of the creases burst free of the ice and point it and asked them if they out whales come knew where in the store to the ice in front of his/my the last one, but they are not then offered to buy us all tea. Fangs, and piercing red eyes. They enter, but get the address right. In it. Then there were too many '3's in it. Pillar. Ice covers him and his and store, and face as the sea rushes looking for a brown frilly evening shirt. Least I can see finally saw David on my Darth Maul was walking across he couldn't get the right address to and Maul was running into the address for his life. He ends up on find some pictures that I was ice swimming about looking .
Elephant, but a big costume with about long spindly legs were covered in flags for eyes, it was a fantastic play. Swear, and I ended up taking it on all the streets too. But artwank, the actors were all on stilts guide in horror when horror and the one? Well, anyway, they were all larger to walk all around them as they costumes, they audience people (including us) were ENORMOUS elephant fete, and my have invaded any Mam was there. Then it was been humans all along, and we are to Derby to stay running away from with Becca and Anna, and they took the ‘bulltaurs’ and he tries to see stop me from driving area that I it, but I kept refusing to stop me, simply look then walk away. Michael persuaded and I are both to stop so he could have a bull rather than half horse, the engine. Us to go black, hooded shapes glide tea then and his name was Sky. Tree trunks of people I know; big in school (none of them stop to age) and was driving it around to sunshine, except for the off.

Loads of by the lightsabre over the sea, which apologised and went bright red, but the frozen tundra returns. I said it the am standing in a dark wood was so skinny. His girlfriend came along of tree branches then and laughed. The jacket king of these supernatural whales swims one draped over a clothes rail and all of his went to pick it in his huge mouth. The sea begins and suddenly a man was and I my wearing the coat, and someone wearing of his eyes. A school of enormous I could find one. The swimming up face. man said he had just bought normal whales, they have row upon row I said okay, of sharp teeth like that I for, but he just couldn't sea begins to rise and Maul is Rhiannon, Annabel, Emma frozen to his ice me were shopping in a big department up and over him. Suddenly I was I, I am Darth Maul, or at from work was trying to help me a huge, frozen sea. Icy computer, but go wasteland. The ice began to crack, bar of my browser. He said he a pillar of knew where I could surrounded by dark sea, with strange shapes.

Sign

I can sign "Hello my name is Andrew", so that's a start.

I still can't hear anything in my right ear. Right ear = underwater swooshing noise. Left ear = super-hearing with added clicky crunching sounds.

I am like a broken hi-fi speaker that needs to go to the dump.

The Pope is dead

Single footprints were deeper than the rest, as if smiled and opened his arms wide, palms upwards, facing “was too much for you to bear - I me.” delighted, “Then you have been with me all man looked back over miles and miles of sugary his path where there were only one set of where he had been at these times - but Paul will be held in Dublin on Tuesday. Then his Vatican has released details from the Pope's death beard. “So if official cause of the Pope's death you are,” said the man, irreversible heart failure. Doctors “No one can know where your journey was amongst end, or which way your path will go” Then the he told the man who he was. As Mass for Pope acquired knowledge sunk into the man’s only his third as Pope. “Can you tell me attended an outdoor mass in Dublin and to where?” His elsewhere and he made an emotional plea for peace journey. in Northern Ireland. The Irish Prime Minister, Bertie Ahern kind of debate the spread of HIV. There had the world put to rights. Pope John Paul to friend, he went on “all my life recent days I've know is this beach and these waves. What strict wet slopping sand nearer the nudging wavelets. “Hello.” him into conflict companion, seeming close by and yet “Brazilian society, especially the gay there.” said the man, promoting the use of condoms to prevent. It seemed as a mass in memory of the Pope began. All An auxiliary bishop called John Paul II "the after a time the Pope of the poor and, treading with him through the closed to traffic. And his toes. He listened to the mating increasingly visible of faraway lovebirds chipping in the distant palms, twitting are little songs to each other, knowing nothing unrequited people. It was It was a gloriously sunny day, keep up with fast-growing demand. Where the back of Square, banks of new stands are being hot, but for the world's media. Many surrounding roads have been sand.

The walker had been carrying something heavy. His companion heaven. “My friend, at those times when your burden left you to carry it alone, your company displeased of my minutes before pronouncing him dead. Journey.” The beach. His smile dimmed, and he noticed patches of footprints. He challenged his companion, and demanded to know the man had failed to notice that these John on gently. The creases of laughter lines smiled around certificate. The eyes, and his lips grinned beneath his was septic shock and you are who you say used an electrocardiograph machine for twenty again he laughed, those who attended the mass in Dublin in will 1979, described the Pope as 'a towering figure in this newly story of our time'. A full Requiem brain, his companion looked his visit back in 1979, about it? Where am I walking then vast crowds companion laughed. “My friend, this beach is your others life, and the footprints in the sand are your man, who engage in one of their conversations.” The been tentative plans for where everything is discussed and visit Ireland later this year. In “Tell me, my many here have recalled the extraordinary reaction to all of the family.” This was a reference to his called his adherence to family values, which often brought somehow far off. “Hello with more liberal elements of sensing that they were about to community and those that this endless stretch of private beach was packed his whole life, what he existed for. It was people's Pope", he knew, and all he wanted to. Above all, a Pope he sensed his companion, gently police and ambulance workers are slip slowly through presence. Sports grounds are being turned into makeshift calls shelters where visitors can stay overnight. Hotels and guesthouses or bitterness. Already full. Sao Paulo Cathedral holds eight-thousand one of those days Rome is already racing to your neck gets a little too hot, in St Peter's the world seems right anyway.

Guitar calloused hands

Simon just felt the tip of a finger on my left hand, to check how much I've been practising my guitar. He gave a raised-eyebrow-nod indicating that he was impressed.
As well as now playing F (which I learned last week), I can also do F#, B#m and F#m.

I just want to get good really fast so I can show off.

NHS direct

A perforated eardrum is one with a hole in it. Most perforations occur following infection (otitis media) and heal quickly.

Non-infective perforations often heal quickly without further attention. However, if the middle ear becomes infected, and especially if there is loss of normal middle-ear drainage by the eustachian tube connecting the middle ear to the throat, the perforation tends to persist and requires treatment.

(That's me, that is).

Don't listen to him, he's as deaf as a post

Today I have gone deaf. I woke up this morning with a funny ear, and by the time I left for work I was totally deaf on one side. I feel like I'm underwater, or inside a shell. Everything is muffled, and for some reason everyone seems to be moving awkwardly. I'm better outside, but as soon as I'm in an enclosed space, like a room or a lift, then the background droning that I normally can't hear slams into me deaf ear like a wall. My other ear, as if in protest, now has near-super powers. I can hear a pin drop in Swansea. Even typing this is murder to my left, good ear. I answered my phone just now, and it was a phone ringing behind me, that's how loud it sounded.

I am going home soon, and maybe the doctors. I wish I could just float back as if I was underwater.

Spellcheck

Safest dustbins shed tears faring anode tsar walks yards hiking aimed for this

Shattered gag afar

Hefts anew either tawdry fluidly teeth to take away

Jolly Roger

Cardiff is misty today, not quite umbrella weather. The people at the pelican crossing over the road get darker and more in focus the closer they get, as if they are walking back through time towards me. If I strain my ears, I can hear the melancholy blare of the slow trains leaving the station. They're carrying people even further back through time, and I can see them getting off at Swansea station a thousand years ago, or maybe Aberdare when it was just a primal forest.

There's a tall boy outside on his phone, I wonder if the signal can get through all that mist? It must be able to, he's still talking. Is he directing the mists, confirming the areas that need to be covered? Is he an accomplice? I doubt it - nobody that tall could be inconspicuous.

The, usually, red brick building looming opposite is dulled to a dark sandy colour - makes me think of stony Aberaeron beach. Apple cores hidden among the pebbles. A jutting arm of the Millennium Stadium suddenly looks like a ship, and now I'm at sea. There are seagull cries overhead anyway, I'm becalmed… but I only have half an hour left. Half an hour before i have to rejoin the other galley slaves at my oar/computer. The black horse could be a black flag, God knows they're pirates.

Pillaging and plundering, just to get fatter and fatter until they can finally own no more.

Meeting agenda

9.30 am in the coffee shop today:

Discuss last meeting minutes
Team briefing
Saw own hand off with boredom
Listen to stomach rumbling
Drift off into own world where pixies and butterflies gracefully swoop
Write song in head
Calculate how many window panes there are in each wall
Fantasise about partner
Pretend to be playing quidditch
Get snapped back to reality
Shake head when asked "any other business"
Go for a fag

Simon Vs Andy (Wednesday Haikus)

Mostly Simon

Bananas and plums
Sticky and sweet with sugar
Oranges and pears

Mostly Andy

I have locked the door
With a shotgun in my mouth
Fingering the key

Pink Easter Eggs

I’ve been making forever sunburn. Gripping hands let go, slide, weaken and grab again. Hiss of egg. Not molecule by molecule, I’ve got a pair come undone, and I draw them again. Your breath in mine. Membrane against membrane, under spit. Eyelashes graze my cheek, scar, I’ve had a busy afternoon. Somehow soaring, hand invisible to the naked eye. It takes such way a chicken does, but constructing touching skins invading, pink on pink. Soft fingertips, scanning soft pink. Your needing lines in myself, inner wall, then coat that with several layers and again. Whisper, and you of minute tweezers, the ends are so tiny they are whisper, and you breathe. Keep breathing, moving closer but firmly touching. Ragged, take weeks to put together the perfect egg and patterns over hissing skin. And everything is pink. Numb, clean, pink. Long time to create the perfect shell. You first have to build the soft I love my work. What upsets me though, is of delicate harder molecules, brighten their pale colour to a nice blue, or flesh pink. The effort and concentration required is enormous, it can be. I hate my work being misunderstood, especially by those who create. I’ve been ridiculed for it, naturally, accused of spending too much time on pointless projects like this one. I don’t care, I break. The one I’m currently working on will no doubt be smashed back when people can’t understand the egg. They think it is invisible, or a castle made out of a thousand molehills baring angry, red knuckles will surely crush my construction into more than a million smithereens. Smash eggs of their own without even realising. Those eggs are always the prettiest, and the hardest to give up. Perhaps then I will give up egg-making, perhaps I will try something less complicated, like love. Smash into molecules by the first red plastic hammer that walks past it. The first white fist.

today...

...has been an absolute washout. It has rained cats and dogs, I've been bombarded with work - petty bastards peddling ridiculousness at hiked prices. Hooray, this is what blogs are really about - ranting.
Let's have a haiku about today:

Learning all the greys
Light and darker shades the same
Today has them all